like smoke through my fingers
by promisesofhappiness
Summary: Loving Levi was like trying to catch smoke


Loving Levi is like trying to catch smoke. Just like the moments when you are hypnotised by the ethereal swirl of the smoke and raise your hand to capture it, keep it yours for the rest of the eternity, it slips away from your fingers, daunting and had been hypnotised by Levi for years now. He had had the privilege ( and the pain, he thinks, but that's nothing comparing) of watching Levi, taking him in every day. He knows every quirk, every wish and fear the older man has ever practically grew up together, only five years setting them apart. But Levi, despite his somewhat antisocial character, had always had a soft spot for Eren, overlooking the younger boy's stubbornness and hot temper. He was always a good role model and the single person Eren looked up to. And came to be in love with.

Yet, it seemed he had waited for far too long, so long, that it was time for him to get his heart broken into millions of pieces by no other than an ovblivious Levi. It was only natural for him to fall in love. With someone that was not Eren. To be frank, Erwin Smith was everything Eren was not. He was handsome, successful and well-mannered, contrasting beautifully with the shorter male's cutting snark.

"Oi, brat, are you listening to me?". Fingers clicked in front of his face, bringing him out of his thoughts. Levi was standing in front of him, waiting for his order. Two coffees, one for himself, the other for his...boyfriend. The word felt foreign and wrong in his mind.

"Yeah, sure, the coffees are ready. Will you need anything else?" His voice cracked and he winced. He was being far too obvious, judging by the frown marring Levi's handsome features. It wouldn't do for him to start questioning Eren's strange behaviour the past, well, months. It was just that, wherever Levi went, Erwin did,too. Even on the events that where supposed to be among their friends. As for the things the two of them used to do, they simply didn't anymore. Levi either didn't have time, or he canceled on him to go out with Erwin. Forgetting Eren.

"What's up with you? You haven't been home for days now"

Damn,damn and thrice damn. From all the times Levi had been oblivious to the world, he had chosen this time to actually notice things.

He had no other choice but to tell his roommate that he had been staying with Mikasa. Thankfully, his step sister had taken pity on him and took him in, knowing everything about his feelings for Levi.  
Erwin tapped the glass from outside, questioning.

Levi nodded and took a coffee in each hand.

"Listen, how about we go out tomorrow, say, dinner? We haven't talked in a while."

Go out he said. Since when did they have to go out? They usually stayed in, horsing around cosily. It just didn't seem right. Everything was fucked up and his heart hurt in the worst way possible. He could actually feel his eyes sting, barely keeping his tears at certainly missed spending time with Levi, watching him drink tea holding the cup in that stupid way, making silly jokes about shit. But, he just couldn't do it. He wasn't big on masochism, not when his heart couldn't break more. So he did they only thing he hadn't done before, not in the many years he had known Levi. He denied.

He was sure Levi could see straight through him, through his weak lie and the half assed attempt and avoiding him. They knew each other far too well. So, the other male just nodded and left, looking behind once. Eren didn't meet his eyes.

* * *

He blew out the smoke, watching it swirl in the darkness. It was truly captivating. You could almost touch it. Eren had once told him he looked good, smoking. His blue-green eyes earnest, more captivating than everything else Levi had encountered in his life. It was those eyes that had drew him in, long ago when they were children. The determination and afection shining in the bottomless globes. If Levi was smoke, Eren had always been the ocean. Full of life, spontaneous and deadly. And distant. At least now. He hadn't seen Eren in almost a week, after visiting the coffee shop. And Eren had turned him down. Not that he didn't deserve in. He had been a true asshole to Eren since Erwin came into the picture.

The point was, things between himself and Erwin were not serious. They both wanted to spend some time enjoying themselves, have some sex to blow off the steam of their stressful lives. There was no real love between them, apart from a building friendship. A friendship that threatened to overtake the one he had maintained with Eren for almost fifteen years, since the time the younger had been a stubborn sever year old kid with too many scrapes on his bony knees. A kid that didn't take his sarcasm seriously and saw through his facade every single time.

Eren had always been the one to always stick with him, even when the circumstances were not so bright. Always the first to agree with Levi, always the one to not give up on him, even that time he, Levi, had decided doing drugs sounded like a nice adventure. After a while, he found himself heaving his insides in the toilet, Eren's cool hands smoothing down his hair, rubbing his back. For three days straight he had skipped school, taking care of a catatonic Levi. On the moments of lucidity, Levi could remember Eren lying next to him, telling him about his day and kissing his forehead lovingly.

That was why it was weird, for too weird that Eren was avoiding him now. The shitty brat had dared to even lie to him, believing that Levi wouldn't pick up on his suspicious demeanor. But Eren was always a shitty liar, and it didn't help that Levi knew him almost better than his own self. Plus, he knew that Mikasa was privy to the cause of Eren's change, but she would not let a word slip from her lips. But, she made it quite obvious that it was his fault. And it frustrated him, not knowing how to fix things between him and his friend. Eren had never given up on him.

The silence of the apartment was breached by the shrill ring of his phone. He ignored it, thinking that whoever it was, they would assume he was asleep. Yet, they called another time and he picked it up, not looking at the screen.

"It'd better be worth of my time and sleep" he growled, clutching at the small device.

It was Armin Arlert, Eren friend from college. He was sobbing at the receiver, saying something about going out for a drink, and a drunk driver. Levi's hands tightened, knuckles white from the pressure.  
"Arlert, for your shake and my own, fucking speak up."  
Eren was hit by a drunk driver.  
_Eren was hit by a drunk driver._  
He was out of the apartment and in his car in record time, hands shaking. Not Eren, not ever Eren.

* * *

It had been quick. One moment, they had been walking huddled close together, laughing and joking around at Jean's awful jokes, and the next, there was a car speeding down the road, heading straight for Armin. So Eren did the only thing he could think of, and pulled the short blond out of the way. Which put his in the car's way.

There was a crush, the screech of the tiles, and Mikasa's screams filling the air. For a moment, he felt weightless, like he was smoke drifting upwards. And then came the pain. In was everywhere. His head felt like it was split in two, his chest burned like a fire was lodged in, spreading to his limbs wildly, catching his arm and leg. He wanted to scream, to call for help, but he couldn't find his mouth, he couldn't even find himself in this mass of pain.

He could hear Mikasa call for him to stay awake, not close his eyes, and Jean talk on the phone. But his eyelids were heavy, covering his eyes despite his valiant tries. The void called for him, promising no pain. So he closed his eyes and fell into unconsciousness.

* * *

Severe head trauma, shattered leg and a broken arm, paired with a punctured lung. That was what the doctors told them. It was a miracle on its own that he had survived the crush, and the surgery. Lost cause.  
The one who uttered those words was introduced to Levi's punch. Multiple times.

They put him on life support, in the intensive unit. He had already gone through a surgery, and he had had two cardiac arrests. He was too unlikely to survive a third.  
Mikasa was the one to punch that one.

They spent a week on Eren's bedside, waiting.  
When change came, and it was terrifying.  
They watched his body spasm under the electrocution, the doctors desperate. The patient was not responding.  
Levi watched as Eren slipped away from his, like smoke through his fingers.

* * *

_**Five years later**_

Their lips met silently in the dark, no need of lights. Everything felt more intimate that way, no need to be careful or conscious. Not that they would have to be, not after so many years of knowing each other, of knowing every nook and cranny of their partner's bodies. Levi knew that had he tried, he could still trace the faint line marring his lover's side, a token of his adventure. Perhaps even those scars on his hands, acquired from hours of meddling with sharp tools. He knew,though, he would never consciously search for that scar hidden by soft brown hair. Not ever.

Recovery had not been easy for Eren. Apart from his apparent injuries, he had lost a great deal of blood, and he needs to undergo a few more surgeries, each one leaving Levi frightened to the core. Not that he would ever admit so. But Eren always saw right through him. Yet sweet little oblivious Eren had looked adorably stunned when Levi had smashed their lips together, growling something about stupid brats.

They had gone through recovery together, Levi helping Eren step back on his feet and reclaim the use of his hand. Yet, it would never be recovered. The brunette still ached randomly, especially when he was cold. But that was insignificant. He now had Levi. He was perfectly happy.

They made love all the time. Hard and fast against the wall, sleepy and slow in the mornings, when they were too lazy to get out just yet. There was something awe inspiring in the way Levi moaned, flushed from sleep and lips swollen from Eren's kissed, lowering down and setting fire in Eren's body. There was that one time when they had gone on vacation in France, in Levi's hometown. The raven had let loose, getting drunk on sweet wine and murmuring sweet and dirty things on Eren's ear, french rolling of his tongue, dripping with passion and want. His gray eyes were warm and just that hazy, and he already looked fucked out. Eren had followed his example and drank more, letting the wine soothe him, warm him up. That night he made love to Levi slowly, on the rug next to the fireplace. He took his time, watching the flames paint his lover's body golden, his hands smoothing down on the lean body. He kissed down Levi's body, tasting the salt of his sweat and the sweetness of his wine stained mouth. He felt his hands on his back, nails pulling at the skin, raising small welts that Levi would kiss apologetically in the shower, trying to hide his smug smirk.

They also had their fair share of fights, Eren's jealousy and Levi's compulsion for cleanliness becoming overbearing. They screamed themselves sore, only to aggressively kiss and have make up sex.  
All in all, they were happy. Looking back, on those times when Eren had been desperate and too stubborn and shy to admit his feelings to Levi, fearing rejection, Eren could only think of only one thing.  
Loving Levi was like trying to catch smoke. He was always exciting, and ever-changing. There was nothing ordinary in the short raven, when everything was hypnotizing and much worth the risk.


End file.
